Someone grieving

Grief can be one of the most difficult things we have to deal with throughout our lives. If a friend or family member has lost a loved one, and is obviously grieving, what do you say to them, and how do you say it? Will they welcome your sympathy or reject it? What exactly can you do to help?

Of course, there's no right answer, as everyone grieves differently and has different expectations of the people around them. What feels like the right thing to say to one person could be painful to another. The main thing is to be kind and compassionate, listen to your friend and follow their lead about what's helpful to them and what isn't.

The keys to helping a loved one who’s grieving

  • Even if you're unsure of what to say or do, don't let that keep you from reaching out - they need your presence more than perfection.
  • Let your loved one know you're here to listen whenever they're ready to talk.
  • Remember that grief is a deeply personal journey, and everyone experiences it in their own way and time.
  • Offer practical help, as even small gestures can make a big difference.
  • Continue to provide your support long after the funeral or direct cremation, as the need for comfort and care doesn't end there.

1. Reach out to them

The fear of saying or doing the wrong thing too sometimes means that we don't do or say anything at all to those who need it most. A message, a phone call or even a short visit can help to bring mourners comfort. Just knowing that people are thinking of them, and knowing that they're not facing their grief alone, can massively help.

It's really important to be the one who reaches out first, because your loved one might be so overwhelmed by their grief that they don't think to contact others for support. By taking the initiative, you can offer them a lifeline and remind them that they're not alone, even if they're struggling to find the strength to reach out themselves. Your presence and support can make a world of difference during this challenging time.

And just because you've said or done something once, don't think you've done your bit and that's all it needs. People grieve at different rates and may be more receptive to contact on some days more than others. Reaching out little and often is better than a grand one-off gesture.

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2. Listen first, speak second

When someone is grieving, remember to listen first, speak second. Active listening provides them with a space to express their feelings and begin the healing process, and ensures you fully focus on what the other person is saying, without interrupting or planning your response while they speak. It involves being present, showing empathy, and validating their emotions.

By actively listening, you're demonstrating that you truly care about their experience and are there to support them. In giving them your full attention, you help them feel heard and understood, which can be incredibly comforting during a time of deep emotional pain.

Understanding how they're hurting allows you to offer support that is more tailored to their needs. When you listen actively, you gain insight into their specific struggles and emotions, enabling you to provide more meaningful help and comfort. This approach not only creates a deeper connection but also helps them feel less isolated and more supported in their grieving journey.

3. Be yourself

Some people think they need to change personalities when they're talking to someone who’s grieving. They either become overly positive or try to match the grief of the person they are talking to. Try to avoid saying things like ‘I know how you feel’ or ‘I’m as devastated as you are’.

Similarly, don’t try and make a positive out of the loss. Offering clichés like ‘They had a good life’, or 'They're in a better place now’, will likely do nothing to comfort anyone and can even appear to trivialise their loss.

The grieving party will find it much easier to interact if you are simply yourself. Be kind, sympathetic and available to talk when they need you, but respect their silence if they don’t.

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4. Find your own ways to give support

It’s not all about words. Sometimes a small gift or gesture can really lift the spirits of someone who is grieving. Flowers are traditional, but how about baking some cakes, making a meal or giving them a candle? Perhaps offer to help around the house, do some shopping or run an errand for them. Or suggest you join them for a good, long walk.

5. What to say to someone who’s grieving

Navigating what to say to someone who is grieving can be delicate, to say the least, but your compassion and thoughtfulness can make a significant difference. Remember that grief is a deeply personal experience, and everyone processes it in their own way. There’s no one-size-fits-all approach, but here are some gentle guidelines to help you navigate this sensitive conversation:

  • Acknowledge their loss: Simply acknowledging their loss can mean a lot. You might say, “I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine what you’re going through right now.” This shows that you recognise their pain and are there with them in their sorrow.
  • Offer support, not solutions: Instead of trying to fix their grief or offer solutions, let them know you’re there for them. For example, “I’m here for you. If you need someone to talk to or just be with, please reach out.”
  • Respect their unique grieving process: Understand that everyone grieves differently. If they’re not ready to talk or want to share their memories, respect their pace. You could say, “Everyone handles grief in their own way, and I respect however you need to process this. Just know I’m here if you want to talk, or if you’d just like some quiet company.”
  • Share memories or affirm their feelings: If you knew the person they lost, sharing a fond memory can be comforting. For instance, “I remember how much joy [Name] brought into our lives. Their memory will always be with me.” or “I miss [Name] wicked sense of humour.”
  • Offer practical help: Sometimes, offering specific help can be more useful than a general offer. You might say, “I’d like to help with [specific task, such as running errands or preparing meals]. Please let me know what you need.”

By approaching your words with empathy and understanding, you show that you’re there to support them through their unique grieving journey, respecting their individual needs and offering your genuine presence.

6. What not to say to someone who’s grieving

When supporting someone who is grieving, it's important to be mindful of what you say, and do, to avoid unintentionally adding to their pain. Here are a few things to steer clear of.

Avoid saying:

  • “You look well/unwell” — Avoid commenting on how ‘well’ or ‘unwell’ they look. People who are grieving may look fine on the outside but are suffering within. Conversely, they may appear tired or lose weight but commenting on this will only make them feel worse.
  • “God’s plan” — Don’t bring your faith into it unless you know they are receptive. Suggesting that their loss is ‘part of God’s plan’ can be inappropriate and upsetting if they don’t hold the same beliefs as you.
  • "I know exactly how you feel." — Everyone’s grief is unique, and even if you’ve experienced loss yourself, their emotions and journey are their own. Instead, acknowledge their feelings by saying, “I can’t imagine what you’re going through, but I’m here for you.”
  • "At least they lived a long life." — While meant to offer comfort, such statements can come off as minimising their pain. A more compassionate approach might be, “I’m so sorry for your loss. I know this must be incredibly hard.”
  • "It’s time to move on." — Grief doesn’t have a set timeline, and everyone heals at their own pace. Rather than rushing their process, offer ongoing support by saying, “I’m here for you, no matter how long it takes.”
  • "They’re in a better place." — While intended to provide solace, this might not align with their beliefs or offer comfort. A gentle alternative could be, “I hope you find some peace and comfort in the memories you shared.”
  • "You need to be strong." — Encouraging them to suppress their emotions can be counterproductive. Instead, support their emotional expression by saying, “It’s okay to feel however you’re feeling right now. I’m here to support you.”

Avoid doing:

  • Be careful when posting on social media — Be careful about putting photos of the deceased on social media and tagging grieving friends and relatives. This can be an unexpected reminder and cause distress to their grieving loved ones.
  • Only focusing on the good — Highlighting positives can be helpful, but it’s important to remember that life, people, and our relationships are complex and imperfect. Sometimes, acknowledging these challenges can be just as validating and comforting for those who were closest to them. If someone grieving is expressing the negative elements of the deceased’s life or relationship with them, putting a positive spin on what they’re saying can make them feel alienated, unheard, and even make them feel like they can’t be honest with you.
  • Sensationalism - In a society that seems to thrive on bad news and gossip, don’t be a sensationalist. Don’t gossip, and don’t dig for the details.

And remember, sometimes actions speak louder than words. They might not want to talk but just need a warm hug and a shoulder to cry on. It’s not for everyone but for the right person, it can do wonders.

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7. Offer practical support

Offering to help with tasks like shopping, cooking, or funeral planning can be incredibly supportive for someone who is grieving. During such a challenging time, the everyday responsibilities and details can feel overwhelming, and having someone step in to assist can provide much-needed relief and comfort.

By taking care of these practical tasks, you give them one less thing to worry about, allowing them to focus more on their emotional healing and processing their grief. Your help can ease their burden, reduce stress, and ensure that they’re not facing these challenges alone.

Simple acts of support, like preparing a meal or handling arrangements, can make a significant difference, showing them that they are cared for and that they don’t have to navigate this difficult period by themselves.

8. Maintain ongoing support

Maintaining ongoing support for someone who is grieving can be incredibly comforting and reassuring during a time when their world feels uncertain. Grief doesn’t have a set timeline, and the need for support can extend long after the initial loss.

What does ongoing support look like? Here are a few ideas:

  • Consistent presence: Just knowing that someone is still there for them can be a great source of comfort. Regular check-ins, whether through a phone call, text, or visit, can remind them that they’re not alone and that you’re there for them as their journey unfolds.
  • Gentle encouragement: Encouraging them to share memories or talk about their feelings when they’re ready can help them process their grief. You might say, “I’m here whenever you want to talk or if you need a listening ear.”
  • Practical assistance: Offering help with daily tasks or responsibilities—like running errands, helping with household chores, or cooking meals—can ease their burden and give them more space to focus on their emotional well-being.
  • Check-ins for milestones: Grief can resurface during anniversaries or significant dates. Reaching out during these times to offer extra support can show them that you remember and care about their ongoing journey.
  • Flexible support: Understand that their needs and emotions may change over time. Being adaptable and continuing to offer support in different ways, as needed, can be incredibly helpful.

By being a consistent and compassionate presence, you help them feel less isolated and more supported as they navigate their grief. Your ongoing care can provide a steady source of comfort and strength, reinforcing that they have someone they can rely on throughout their healing process.

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9. Be aware of the signs of depression

Being aware of the signs of depression can be crucial in supporting someone who is grieving, as grief and depression can sometimes intertwine, the line between the two becoming blurred. Understanding these signs helps you provide the right kind of support and encourages them to seek professional help if needed.

Symptoms of depression to watch for:

  • Persistent sadness: If they seem overwhelmed by sadness or hopelessness that doesn’t lift over time, this could be a sign of depression.
  • Loss of interest: A noticeable disinterest in activities they once enjoyed or in social interactions can be concerning.
  • Changes in sleep patterns: Significant changes, such as sleeping too much or too little, can be indicative of depression.
  • Appetite changes: Noticeable weight loss or gain due to changes in appetite might signal a deeper issue.
  • Fatigue: Chronic tiredness or lack of energy, even with rest, can be a symptom.
  • Difficulty concentrating: Struggling to focus or make decisions can impact daily life and may be a sign of depression.
  • Feelings of worthlessness or guilt: Persistent feelings of guilt or worthlessness are also common symptoms.

Understanding complex grief

Complex grief, or complicated grief, is when the grieving process becomes prolonged and severe, impairing a person’s ability to function normally. It often involves intense, enduring sorrow and difficulty accepting the loss. Those experiencing complex grief might feel stuck in their grief, unable to move forward or engage in life as they once did.

How to help if you suspect depression

  • Open a compassionate dialogue: Gently express your concern in a non-judgmental way. For example, “I’ve noticed you’ve been struggling a lot lately. I’m here to listen if you want to talk about how you’re feeling.”
  • Encourage professional help: Suggest seeking support from a mental health professional, such as a therapist or counsellor, who can provide specialised care. You might say, “It could be really helpful to talk to someone who can offer guidance and support through this tough time.”
  • Offer practical support: Help with daily tasks or accompany them to appointments to alleviate some of their burdens. Practical support can also extend to helping them find resources or information about mental health services.
  • Be patient and understanding: Acknowledge that addressing mental health concerns can take time and that their emotions are valid. Let them know you’re there for them, no matter how long their healing process takes.

Conclusion

The main takeaways of helping someone who is grieving? Offer unwavering support with empathy and patience.

Grief is a deeply personal and often unpredictable journey, so being present, listening without judgement, and respecting their unique process are crucial. Simple gestures, like offering practical help, or just being there to listen, can provide immense comfort.

It’s important to remember that your ongoing presence and understanding can make a significant difference, showing them they are not alone in their sorrow and that their feelings are valid. Your compassion and willingness to support them through their healing process can offer solace and strength during this challenging time.

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Preparing for the future

Supporting someone when they're grieving comes with its own set of specific challenges. Challenges that you may have previously experienced with another person who lost a loved one, or perhaps this is your first time navigating the unpredictable waters of loss.

Death is something that will affect us all at some point or another, and supporting someone through grief can naturally make us think about our own mortality, and that of our own loved ones. When it comes to our own death, one of the best things we can do to support our loved ones in the grief to come, is to prepare our funeral arrangements in advance.

Whether you’re thinking of a traditional burial or a simple cremation, setting up a funeral plan ensures that your loved ones are protected from the financial and emotional burden of arranging a funeral at such a profoundly difficult time. At Distinct Cremations, we offer a range of straightforward funeral plans that can be paid for upfront or in monthly instalments for up to 10 years, to help you support your friends and family through grief.

We offer the highest level of support, but don't take our word for it

Below are a selection of reviews from those who followed their instinct with Distinct and chose to buy a funeral with us.

4.9/5
Based on 971 reviews Feefo Logo Feefo Gold 2024
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Garrie Parker, on Feefo 7 Oct 2024
Very helpful, professional service, would recommend
Anonymous, on Feefo 7 Oct 2024
We used Distinct Cremations when a local provider asked us to call back the following day as they were too busy! Distinct could not be faulted from initial contact throughout the whole procedure leading up to the cremation and beyond. We have no hesitation in recommending this company, in fact we have already spread the word to friends and family.
Anonymous, on Feefo 7 Oct 2024
exactly what we wanted, plan bought and paid for easy to use form and very helpful telephone staff
Peter William Simmonds, on Feefo 5 Oct 2024
On being left to set the plan into motion after the death of my sister district cremations talked me through every step thay were considerate and professional until the end
Maureen Harrison, on Google 2 Oct 2024
Everything was so simple and efficient. The forms were easy to do no problems
Anonymous, on Feefo 1 Oct 2024
Two plans purchased, complicated situation yet staff accommodated our special needs. Brilliant service. Our minds at rest regarding end of life details. Couldn't have wished for more genuine interactions, understanding and reassurance.
Glen Montague, on TrustPilot 1 Oct 2024
Nobody likes to deal with things like funerals etc but all i can say is how wonderful everybody was at Distinct Cremations.Nothing was too much trouble,everything was explained clearly and in a very professional manner,most of all just great people to deal with.
Toni Stevens, on Google 29 Sep 2024
During this difficult time the staff at Distinct Cremations have been exemplary. They provided an immediate considerate service, kept me well updated at every point. I had a problem with the doctor’s certificate and they even contacted the surgery on my behalf multiple times to resolve the issue. The ashes were returned promptly with lots of notice by a member of their own team. Honestly I can’t recommend them enough, they served my dad with dignity.
4.9/5
Based on 971 reviews
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