Family Of Three Embracing

Knowing a loved one is close to the end can be the most devastatingly disorientating time of our lives. There is a heavy grief that can envelop us, and it can feel hard to know which way to turn.

Anticipatory grief is very real and can come in many forms, be it anger, anxiety, guilt, loneliness or just a deep sense of sadness. No matter how you feel, it's important to remember the way you're feeling is completely natural and there are ways you can get support, including helplines and community groups.

In this guide, we'll look at managing anticipatory grief, how thinking about funeral plans can help, and we'll also look at some of the things you need to prepare for at this most difficult of times.

What is anticipatory grief?

We often understand grief as an emotional experience that occurs after loss. However, anticipatory grief refers to a grief reaction that occurs in anticipation of an impending loss. This term, defined by the End of Life Care Consensus Panel, describes the emotional pain and mourning experienced before the actual event of loss.

Most commonly, anticipatory grief is associated with those expecting the death of a loved one, but it can also affect individuals facing their own death, an impending divorce, or potential job loss.

This is a very normal reaction when facing a significant loss, like the death of a loved one. For example, you might grieve for the future moments you won't share together. It's also normal to think about how your life will be after they have passed and how you will cope.

How is anticipatory grief different from grief after death?

Anticipatory grief differs from grief after death because it involves a complex mix of emotions. For example, people might experience a conflict between mourning the impending loss and hoping that their loved one might survive.

This can create a range of opposing reactions, such as:

  • Hope vs. despair: balancing the hope for recovery with the despair of expected loss.
  • Attachment vs. detachment: struggling between staying emotionally connected and starting to detach to protect oneself from future pain.

Anticipatory grief often occurs when a loss is expected, such as with a terminal illness. In these cases, it allows for a gradual adjustment to the idea of loss, providing time to process emotions and prepare for life without the loved one. This period can include meaningful goodbyes, practical preparations, and developing coping strategies.

Who experiences anticipatory grief?

Many different people can suffer from anticipatory grief. Though it is mostly associated with the impending loss of a loved one, it can relate to any type of potential upcoming loss.

Impending loss of a loved one

Daisies In A Field

Caregivers, family or friends of those dying are most often affected. The grief can be heightened by illness, uncertainty, monetary issues and the burden of caregiving.

Impending death of yourself

Pews And People At Funeral Service

Those who have a terminal illness, those who are in a warzone, or those who are of a certain age, can also feel grief for events they won't be around for or lost opportunities they will miss.

Other examples of anticipatory grief

Dining Room With Notepad And Pen

Someone who is about to lose a job, get divorced or have a scheduled mastectomy may suffer from anticipatory grief, which can result in fear of a big, uncertain change.

What emotions do you go through when grieving before death?

There are a number of different emotions an individual will go through, and some elements of the five stages of grief may apply - denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

The model is seen to be a little outdated in the 21st century and not necessarily applicable to anticipatory grief. Below are common emotions that people experience when grieving before someone dies:

Anxiety

Feelings of anxiety are synonymous with anticipation, therefore feeling anxiety when anticipating grief is very common and natural. Anxiety is often intertwined with worry and can cause strong feelings in the body.

Dread

It's common to have a strong sense of dread in this type of situation. Dread comes from thinking negatively about the future, which is perfectly reasonable when the future looks a little sad or bleak.

Guilt

Guilt is commonly felt during periods of all types of grief. Sometimes we feel like we could do more or we could've been nicer to the person who has died or is dying while they were fully on their feet.

Overwhelmed

It's hard not to feel overwhelmed in situations like these. It's easy for things to feel like they're getting on top of us when there's such sadness around us and so much to think about.

Hopelessness

When someone is dying or something is inevitably reaching the end, there is little we can do but watch on, and therefore it's common to feel a sense of hopelessness or helplessness.

Fear

Fear is very much intertwined with anxiety, but whereas anxiety comes from anticipation, fear is associated with a real impending threat, which is common in anticipatory grief.

How to manage anticipatory grief

With anticipatory grief you can go through a rollercoaster of emotions, sometimes feeling okay and upbeat about the future, and then the next feeling a strong sense of despair and loneliness. Like with any emotion we feel, it's perfectly natural to feel this way, and the worst thing we can do is pretend it doesn't exist or beat ourselves up for feeling a certain way.

While there is no right or wrong way to grieve, there are strategies that can help you navigate this difficult time.

Acknowledge your feelings

Allow yourself to feel and express your emotions without judgement. Suppressing your feelings can make them more intense and harder to manage. Talk to someone you trust about what you are going through, whether it’s a friend, family member, or mental health professional.

Seek support

Lean on your support network during this time. Sharing your feelings and experiences with others who care about you can provide comfort and reduce feelings of isolation. Support groups for people experiencing anticipatory grief can also be a valuable resource.

Communicate openly

If possible, have open and honest conversations with your loved one. Discuss your feelings, share memories, and express your love and gratitude. These conversations can provide emotional relief and help create meaningful moments together.

Take care of yourself

Caring for your physical and emotional well-being is crucial during this time. Ensure you are getting enough rest, eating well, and engaging in activities that bring you comfort and relaxation. Don’t hesitate to seek professional help if you are struggling to cope.

Create lasting memories

Spend quality time with your loved one and create lasting memories. This can involve simple activities such as talking, looking through photo albums, or doing something they enjoy. These moments can bring comfort and a sense of peace.

Prepare practically

Preparing for the inevitable can provide a sense of control and reduce anxiety. This might include discussing funeral plans, legal matters, and other practical arrangements. Knowing that these details are taken care of can bring peace of mind.

It's also important to accept help. Allowing others to assist you with daily tasks and caregiving responsibilities can help alleviate some of the burdens and allow you to focus on spending time with your loved one.

If your loved one is nearing the end, being as kind and as considerate to your loved one will not only make things easier for them, but it will make things easier for you too. Try to get an understanding of what they're experiencing, what they're likely to experience, and treatments that may help ease their pain.

In times of our own grief, one of the best things we can do for ourselves is be compassionate. Research conducted by Stony Brook University shows that expressing compassion and helping others has a tremendous effect on our own mental and physical well-being and will of course aid your loved one's suffering too.

Getting support

If you're struggling or would just like someone to talk to, below are a few helplines that do great work and provide a shoulder to lean on for anyone who needs support:

Samaritans (Call: 116 123) - Free 24/7 support for anyone needing any kind of emotional support

Cruse (Call: 0808 808 1677) - Free helpline supporting those suffering with grief

Veterans UK (Call: 0808 191 4218) - Government-run support organisation providing free support for veterans and their families

Age UK (Call: 0800 678 1602) - The UK's leading charity helping millions of older people with support, companionship and advice

The Silver Line (Call: 0800 470 8090) - Free 24/7 helpline for older people struggling with loneliness, sadness or lowness

What can be arranged before a death?

There are a number of things you can arrange when anticipating death, whether you're preparing for a loved one's death or thinking about your own. Preparing things like funeral plans and sorting estates can provide peace of mind during this difficult time.

Preparing for a loved one's death

Whether you're considering a hospice for your loved one or you're looking at organising the funeral, it's worthwhile making arrangements as early as possible.

Preparing for a loved one's death

Preparing for your own death

It's never a nice feeling thinking about your own death, but most of us have plans regarding what will happen to our estate and what will happen at our funeral.

Preparing for your own death

Funeral plans for yourself or a loved one

Whether you're planning for yourself or someone else, funeral plans allow you to cement the funeral arrangements at a less stressful time, and cover the costs in monthly instalments.

View our funeral plans

Other helpful resources

Before someone dies, getting an understanding of what needs to be done and when, can help to ease the stress and confusion that you may face. Here are some articles that will provide some guidance.

Read more about what to do when someone dies or download our free checklist.

When someone dies in a care home

Care Home Courtyard

It’s the phone call you never want to hear, but receiving news of a loved one’s death in a care home is a very real possibility. Similarly to a death at home, you should always be aware of the steps you need to take in these circumstances and have a plan in place for an expected death in a care home.

Find out more

What happens when someone dies in hospital

Hospital exterior

When someone dies in a hospital, there will be professionals on hand to help you navigate your loss and guide you through what to do next. There are a number of different steps to take when someone dies in a hospital, and these steps differ from when someone dies at home or in a care home.

Find out more

What to do when someone dies at home

Homes

When living with a loved one expected to pass away at home or in their sleep, knowing what to do can be especially difficult without a plan of action in place. We always recommend preparing for the expected death at home as early as possible in order to make the funeral process run as smoothly as possible.

Find out more

How to register a death

registering a death

It’s an unfortunate reality that when someone dies, there are legal formalities that need to be completed shortly after. While these can feel like the last thing you want to be doing at a time of mourning, they’re a necessary step before you can start making funeral arrangements.

Find out more

Paying for a funeral

Sue Paying Test

The costs involved with paying for a funeral can vary depending on the type of funeral you choose, but the role of a funeral director or funeral provider is to guide you through the process. Knowing a little more about paying for a funeral can help to set your mind at ease about what to expect.

Find out more

What is a funeral plan?

Couple reviewing funeral plan options

Discover how funeral plans work, their key features, and the benefits they offer. A funeral plan can offer peace of mind by covering future funeral costs and sparing your loved ones from financial stress during a difficult time. This guide will help you understand if a funeral plan is right for you.

Find out more

We offer the highest level of support, but don't take our word for it

Below are a selection of reviews from those who followed their instinct with Distinct and chose to buy a funeral with us.

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Ken Dilley, on Feefo 8 Oct 2024
A Totally Professional Service. From the moment I advised Distinct of my wife’s passing Alice introduced herself as my contact. She was charming and sympathetic, carefully explaining all the procedures throughout the process making regular phone calls before and after each step of the way. I cannot find any criticism of the service provided from the moment we sign up to the delivery of my wife’s ashes made with due reverence at the exact time arranged. I have no hesitation in recommending Distinct Cremations, the service they provided far exceeded my expectations.
Mrs I Dixon, on Trustpilot 8 Oct 2024
After reading the brochure and all the reviews, I decided to ring up. I spoke to a friendly and polite lady who kindly answered any concerns I had, so I decided to go ahead with the arrangements. The whole process was straight forward from start to finish. Would recommend to friends and family.
Chris Barrett, on Google 8 Oct 2024
Distinct cremations have been absolutely brilliant I would recommend them 100% they came for my beautiful mum and mum came back in 3 separate lovely boxes for my sister's I'm thinking I'm going to do the same then staff was so kind thank you to all the staff 💯
Anonymous, on Feefo 7 Oct 2024
We used Distinct Cremations when a local provider asked us to call back the following day as they were too busy! Distinct could not be faulted from initial contact throughout the whole procedure leading up to the cremation and beyond. We have no hesitation in recommending this company, in fact we have already spread the word to friends and family.
Garrie Parker, on Feefo 7 Oct 2024
Very helpful, professional service, would recommend
Anonymous, on Feefo 7 Oct 2024
exactly what we wanted, plan bought and paid for easy to use form and very helpful telephone staff
Sarah Smith, on Google 6 Oct 2024
I received excellent service throughout the whole process. All correspondence with them was professional and very caring. Also the funeral directors used were very professional and respectful.
Peter William Simmonds, on Feefo 5 Oct 2024
On being left to set the plan into motion after the death of my sister district cremations talked me through every step thay were considerate and professional until the end
4.9/5
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4.8/5
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